Rock 'n' Rolla - Development (Dialogue)

Okay, so here we are again - the start of my Rock 'n' Rolla ident. I decided to take a different approach to this ident, and after producing my storyboards (look to older posts) i knew what dialogue i was going to be using. I added the first image and some type to the test clip - just so you at home have something to actually look at ... for a few seconds.

So here is the first attempt. These are the two bits of dialogue i decided to cut down my ident too which has to represent Rock 'n' Rolla. I dont really like this first draft - its like im trying to pack too much into such a short amount of time.